Occam's Blazer Plays Pokemon Emerald: Pt. 1-10

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Occam's Blazer Plays Pokemon Emerald: Pt. 1-10 Jul 31, 2013 20:46:50 GMT -6 affrosponge88, Stephen77, and 3 more like this

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Post by occamsblazer on Jul 31, 2013 20:46:50 GMT -6

Part 1: The Rise of Quendra

Behold! Pokémon Emerald begins!

Here is the game introduction in all its glory!

This is my favorite introduction scene of any pokémon game.

New game! THE ANTICIPATION!

The triumphant tune heard when starting a new game.

You better be sorry Mr. Casual Wear.

I hope the world of POKéMON isn’t unkempt as your appearance…

Right now I have NO NAME.

And I am called NOTHING.

A Lotad! We’ll be seeing some of these soon.

In a sense, aren’t we all pokémon?

and other times romantic partners! I love you Milotic! <3 <3 <3

I’m kidding of course! I’m attracted to people!

Don’t worry, pokémon get better health care than I do in the US!

Just because I’m a professor doesn’t mean I know everything, or even anything!

As I am too lazy to research them.

He’s this close to getting tenure!

I refuse to be bound by your simplistic gender dichotomy!

Then again, I do like the bandanna.

Get your quettle quorn ready!

Don’t take that tone with me, PROF. SANDALS

You’re memory serves you as well as your lack of fashion sense!

My LIFE is being ready!

My very own adventure that is exquisite and fashionable, but in a way that does not conform to gender stereotypes! The best kind of adventure!

Yay! IDNOT.

Why? I will NOT become your research assistant!

The homey and bucolic Littleroot Town Theme.

This is it! The vast world of POKéMON! Who knows what’s inside of these boxes!

The light! Did I die?

At least I died in style.

So I was stuck in a moving truck! Where are my parents and why are they so terrible?

I should judge all of Littleroot Town based solely off my first impression of a probable five year-old tyke.

Um, um, um, what? Elucidate motherfucker!

(Don’t try this with kids a home. Or anywhere at all ever.)

That is a factually accurate statement! Good job, kid!

Now let’s not tell anyone what I just said to you!

What does that even mean? It sounds like a Green Day lyric!

Let’s check out some of these other Littlerootians.

What does he even do out there?

Judging by his appearance….never!

Either I am reading the sign with the moving truck blocking me from view or THE TRUCK HAS COME TO LIFE!

Ape-like pokémon slavery! I know the consequences. I’ve seen Planet of the Apes the Musical!

I wonder if this imitation of their speech is offensive?

Hey, it’s my neglectful mother!

Anything’s nicer than being stuck in the back of a moving truck, MOM!

My room which I will leave soon and never return!

Let’s play this game to its full potential by watching the TV!

Hopefully it’s Community!

This game is pretty old!

It’s like this game is played on the GBA or something!

I like it a lot less when you’re in it, MOM!

Mainly because I have so little. I have like literally no clothing whatsoever!

Work is never finished when you’re an indentured servant.

So is slavery if you lack a moral compass!

Stop nagging so much, MOM!

The game has an internal clock I need to set to the current real-world time, because this game is so exciting!

That sass aside, there are time-based mechanics in the game which we’ll encounter later.

Cartography is sexy!

My head apparently is as large as Littleroot Town. It has something to do with the Mercator projection.

If this whole pokémon trainer thing doesn’t work out I could become a writer.

My prose is riveting!

My writing is so great it cannot be contained on the mere pages of a notebook!

I simply must check my emails!

Actually, logging onto the PC will be useful…

As there is a potion stored on there.

Potions are items which heal a pokémon by 20 Hit Points.

That will conclude Part 1. I promise in Part 2 that I will maybe do something almost exciting!

Last Edit: Mar 28, 2014 12:04:05 GMT -6 by occamsblazer

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Occam's Blazer Plays Pokemon Emerald: Pt. 1-10 Aug 1, 2013 0:52:59 GMT -6

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Post by occamsblazer on Aug 1, 2013 0:52:59 GMT -6

Part 2: In My Bland Room, With No Curtains, In The Small Town

Let's watch TV, because I can't do that in real life!

It's probably The Big Bang Theory

It's like this game is played on a Nintendo console or something...

Yeah, of course I'm playing this game on the Game Boy Advance aka the GBA! *laughs nervously* I would never pirate this game!

Let's set the clock, because once again, video games are a place where your imagination can run wild. (That sass aside, setting the game clock is necessary for some features in the game, which we'll encounter later.)

Default time.

This was the correct time when the clock was originally set. Exciting stuff, I know.

MOM, what's with you putting me in places without windows?

Did you even listen to me???

Unpaid labor can be efficient like that.

So is slavery!

Again MOM, with the nagging... Such is life.

Time for some hot cartography action!

My head is somehow the same size as Littleroot Town. It's something to do with the Mercator projection.

I have a notebook! I can barely handle the action!

Or else you will perish!

Or else demons will eat your flabby flesh!

I'm ~~a bad writer~~ such a great writer that I am not bound by useless words, hence the blank pages.

These PCs will eventually contain Pokemon I've caught! But at the pace I'm going that won't be for another year.

This PC does have something, though....

That something is a potion! I'll be needing that...

That's my room! Time to go outside and actually accomplish things.

MOM, I just wanted to leave...

Fine, I'll do it for DAD...

MOM, can you do anything right?

My DAD has...friends?

But MOOOOOOOM, I already met PROF. BIRCH!

Anything to get out of the house...

Bye ~~sucker~~ mother!

The BIRCH HOUSE!

PROF. BIRCH's family comes from a long line of name askers. Or more formally, Nomenclature Inquiry Specialists...

As well as a long line of... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...slow... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...readers.

I sure am, Inquirista McSlowreader!

I like turtles.

And I'm excited to ignore him!

You think? Questionable parenting strikes again!

Your family is so interest.....zzzzzz

Oh yeah! Pokemon! I almost forgot the whole point of doing this.

"Scrabbling," eh? A clever wordsmith you are!

How does your kid have pink hair?

Hello, impossibly-haired neighbor!

No, I’m working on it, small one!

Oooh! A blue rug! I should take the Pokeball.

The tasty rival encounter theme.

I have a name, white hat/white haired kid. There has been much debate and uncertainty over the years over whether this kid is wearing a hat or has white hair. No, seriously. The official word from the creators is that it’s a hat, but I want to believe!

I am your downfall!

Indeedy!

Umm… Huh? I know Quendra is a strange name, but come on!

PROF. BIRCH says a lot of things. Trust me, I know.

Well, you were wrong, sexist!

Brendan, eh? I’ll remember to forget that.

No, because everyone talks so much!

I am perfectly capable to catch one myself, you chauvinist pig!

Forgot how to not be an asshole?

That figures…

How about no.

Take it. That guy deserves nothing!

A rare case where the personal ethics of a video game character are better than my own.

I’m a huge dick!

The POKEMON LAB! There has to be pokemon in here, right?

The delightful Pokemon Lab theme.

He’s soooo well-spoken…

“Ergo?” Really? What an ass!

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

In other words, PROF. BIRCH has no laboratory skills.

Experience:

- the full moon?
- the cold hands of death?
- a nice ice cream sandwhich?
- how his horrible fashion sense prevents him from fitting into society?

Remember kids, reading is lame!

Apparently, I’m fairly illiterate.

At least my illiteracy is well-rounded.

But only for show. PROF. BIRCH is too good to read them.

Well, that's all folks!

I promise I may actually get a pokemon next time! I know, so far this game has been less exciting than a visit to the box factory. But don't fear! Part 3 will be jam-packed with things other than talking!

Another note: During the summer I can update this daily, or at least a few times a week. When school starts that will likely reduce to once a week or so.

Anyway, peace out folks!

Last Edit: Aug 1, 2013 2:06:17 GMT -6 by occamsblazer

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Occam's Blazer Plays Pokemon Emerald: Pt. 1-10 Aug 1, 2013 11:40:43 GMT -6

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Post by occamsblazer on Aug 1, 2013 11:40:43 GMT -6

Part 3: Meeting Mr. Occam's

Goodbye, Stinktown!

Oh, Lordy! What’s going on now?

Music that plays during this death-defying chase.

Is…that who I think it is being chased by a critter? Don’t tell me it’s PROF. BIRCH!

Fine, I’ll help… This is what you get for wearing sandals!

A POKE BALL! It’s finally happening, people! My own POKEMON!

I thought about leaving, just to teach him a lesson.

Now I have a choice between three different pokemon, and sadly I can only keep one. The first choice is Torchic which is a fire type.

This is what a Torchic looks like. Aww…..

Next up is Mudkip, a water type.

It is also Aww-worthy.

Finally there’s Treecko, a grass type.

It’s pretty cute as well.

The ludicrously awesome wild pokemon battle theme.

I have decided to choose Torchic as my staring Pokemon. This is my third time playing this game and I chose Treecko the first time and then Mudkip second. Not it’s Torchic’s time to shine!

My back-sprite is pretty cool. My hair is parted simply because is too powerful to be contained as a single unit. My bandanna serves as a way to warn others of my greatness.

My first battle! This is a very important moment, like almost as important as marriage. It’s also significantly shorter than any marriage, with a much lower chance of divorce to boot!

It’s soooooo cute! I can’t even be funny. I want one as a pet.

A battle of the cuteness begins!

Here’s a stat sheet on my Torchic. There’s nothing too noteworthy here. My Torchic is a male, which is expected. A Docile nature is fine. (A Pokemon’s nature can affect their stats, which will be explained later.)

The move set is barren, which is unsurprising for something so inexperienced.

The battle was an easy 2-hit knock out (2HKO). The Zigzagoon used the move Growl, which lowers my Attack stat, but deals no damage.

Fighting anything at level 2 will yield little EXP. Points. But a win is always good.

The joyful and upbeat Route 101 theme.

You’re welcome Sandals O’Scaredycat.

You were jumped by literally the cutest thing ever! What could it possibly do to you? Adorable you to death?

“Saved” is a little strong.

(Annoyed Grunt.)

I'll chat with you just as long as we don’t have to read, okay?

The Pokemon Lab music makes a comeback.

They say I have my father’s pixels.

No, I do not! You’re like the eighth person to mention that.

That’s not the only thing I can do with aplomb.

Eww, no… I don’t eat people. Plus if I did, I’d eat my mother first.

Aww, yeah! I get the Torchic!

I have just the right name for it.

His name is now officially Occam’s!

I think you’ll make….

- my son Brendan cry.
- lots of wealth at the expense of countless others.
- groundbreaking philosophical insights that change the course of history.
- no friends and die as a hermit.

Now you’re talking, BIRCHY.

He’s also kind of dumb.

I’m only saying YES for plot purposes and to not look petty.

I’m sure he will be happy. And sexist!

I'll get to teach him how to be a decent human being!

Doesn’t anyone know where their kids are ever?

If you hadn't already guessed, “scrabbling” is the word of the day here.

I’ll rest when I’m dead, PROF.

Here’s Ergo Guy yammering on about something again.

What kind of love? I’m asking…for a friend?

At least one parent has some idea of where there kid is now.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz

I’m fiiiiine, MOM. No really…

I guess that wasn't so bad. Maybe I’m a bit too harsh with her…

On the road again, reading signs like a good navigator!

You mean I have to do something to get pokemon??? I quit!

A wild Poochyena. He’s a dark type. I lack any sort of poke balls, so all I can do is attack or escape. I go on the offensive.

My middle name is Fear. Full name: Occam’s Fear Torchic. It rolls off the tongue.

Oldale has a Pokemon Center? Why didn’t we move there?

Another wild battle! Another Zigzagoon. I almost feel bad for making it faint….

But not really. I even went up to level 6! Occam’s is so powerful now!

Here’s the thriving metropolis of Oldale Town. This is a good place to stop.

Next time we’ll meet our rival and participate in some more battles!

See you next time!

Last Edit: Aug 2, 2013 2:01:37 GMT -6 by occamsblazer

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Occam's Blazer Plays Pokemon Emerald: Pt. 1-10 Aug 2, 2013 11:08:32 GMT -6 violincatherine likes this

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Post by occamsblazer on Aug 2, 2013 11:08:32 GMT -6

Part 4: Rival Arrival and Departure

The sweet music heard in Oldale.

I’m not classist or anything, but I don’t like to talk to blue-collar types…

Much less go with them anywhere.

A garish shade of blue at that.

And small-grade explosives!

I hope it's some handy C-4!

Fine, a potion works as well.

This guy has to say this at least ten times a day or he will be fired.

She’ll also be safe from the flabby flesh-eating demons that way.

He is Oldale’s resident pseudo-scientist. He's no PROF. BIRCH.

Oh I’ll show you waiting…

What are you doing to those footprints?

The Green Day(e) lyrics are getting progressively bleaker.

The order pokemon appear in battle is an important gameplay aspect that will matter more once I get more mons.

Going to the Pokemon Center is one of the main staples of any pokemon game. On any game, a player will likely visit them dozens or even a few hundred times.

Pokemon Centers: Teaching American kids the value of free socialized medicine since 1998.

The girl on the left talks about the Wireless Station which is a feature that is not important. The older guy talks about how the Pokemon Center PC is free and infinitely reusable, like healing in the Pokemon Center.

And that’s how you heal your pokemon. It is literally the same process throughout the game so I will only show it once.

Another staple of any Pokemon game is buying stuff at the Pokemon mart.

Admiring the snazzy green interior which matches my snazzy green outfit.

The women closest to me said the Poke Balls were sold out.

That’s how you buy stuff! I got four potions, three Antidotes, and three Paralyze Heals. Like with the Pokemon Center, I’ll only show this once, as the process is similar throughout the game.

Route 103 time, where PROF. BIRCH’s evil spawn Brendan is.

Route 103 music, which is the same as the Route 101 music.

Look at the cheapskate! Let’s all laugh at his folly.

Several Poochyena and Zigzagoon later I leveled up!

Look at those sexy stats!

I learned the move Focus Energy! This move increases the chance I get a critical hit.

Critical hits are when a move does double the damage it normally does. Almost every attack (except for those that deal fixed damage and some other exceptions) can be critical. A critical hit normally has a 1/16 or 6.25% chance of occurring. Using the move Focus Energy doubles the chance an attack can be critical, up to a 1/8 or 12.5% occurrence rate.

Ugh. There he is.

Brendan's encounter theme is the best part about him.

This is the second time we’ve seen Brendan talk to himself…

He’s also referring to me in third person…

And he’s better than yours!

No, sir! This battle will be a huge beat-down.

We’ll see, weird-hat-guy.

The rival battle theme is one of the best musical numbers in this game. The opening notes are so happy!

Look at his lame get-up. It just screams mediocrity.

He has a Mudkip. It’s a sort of tradition that your rival will always have the starter that has the type advantage over the player character. Logically, in pokemon Water > Fire.

This is what it says after using Focus Energy.

After taking a few hits, his Mudkip was felled.

Victory music!

With that much experience I just may…

Level up like a champ!

Suck it, sexist!

You’re not anything at all, Brendan.

I’ll invest these winnings in some Silph Co. stock.

I am so flattered/creeped out!

Of course my pokemon like me! I’m Quendra!

Hotttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt. I mean, If you’re into that kind of thing. (Which I am not. Yet….)

Again?!?!?

I know, Brendan! I have short-term memory!

Oh, hai, ~~Mark~~ Quendra!

Beat him like a drum! Or a Belly Drum, even.

Brendan is nowhere close to getting tenure.

An extensive history of LOSING!

A Pokedex? Hasn’t he heard of Bulbapedia?

Bulbapedia is so great. It's like Wikipedia without any sad stuff!

I guess not since PROF. BIRCH doesn’t read.

Per his plea bargain agreement. Brendan stole that hat he’s wearing. They let him keep it in exchange for countless hours of community service helping with PROF. BIRCH’s research.

But I’m still disappointed in him as a son.

Now we’re both slaves!

Brendan is not being a tool? I guess a broken hat looks nice twice a day…

And create your own vicious military force!

And will fail at doing so!

I will break you, Brendan, and your dumb (poke) balls!

In other words, PROF. BIRCH forgot how to count again…

You should get that “itch” checked.

This is at least the third instance of Brendan is talking to himself. I almost pity him.

This whole scene is ruined by both my MOM and me being behind this truck and therefore not visible.

If you want, you can imagine the truck is saying this to that little girl.

I do have my father’s pixels.

Yes, the truck is giving these shoes to the little girl. It’s The Giving Truck, my modernist adaptation of The Giving Tree.

Yes, these running shoes will help me be even more evasive with my newfound invisibility.

Of course these shoes come with instructions. I have fancy tastes!

My mom is sending a monotonous ghost telegram.

What a sweet moment between the truck and girl. Aww….

I stylishly return to visibility!

With that it’s time to end this part. Tune in next time where I will catch some sweet mons in the tall grass!

Later, folks!

Last Edit: Aug 2, 2013 15:46:04 GMT -6 by occamsblazer

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Occam's Blazer Plays Pokemon Emerald: Pt. 1-10 Aug 2, 2013 22:54:45 GMT -6

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Post by occamsblazer on Aug 2, 2013 22:54:45 GMT -6

Part 5: A Flock of Wingull or Tanzen Trapper

This music will be this post's anthem.

The Pokemon Center theme, which is also nice.

The Poke Mart theme is also a nice, cheery jingle.

Before we take off, I’ll cover some basics for catching pokemon:

- Wild pokemon can only be caught using a poke ball. There are several types of poke balls, but for now all that are available for now the standard-issue poke ball.

- Every pokemon has a catch rate that ranges from 1 to 255. The higher the catch rate, the easier the pokemon is to catch. This catch rate is part of the calculation that determines if a pokemon is caught one a ball is thrown. More details here.

- Reducing a pokemon’s Hit Points (HP) makes it much easier to catch, along with giving it a status ailment. However…

- Fainted Pokemon cannot be caught, because catching them that way would be dickish.

Here we go!

Time to catch some pocket monsters!

Pokemon can be found in different locations on a route. For now, the main location for encountering a wild pokemon will be in the tall grass. Different areas have different distributions of pokemon, which is reflected in the encounter rate. The higher the encounter rate, the better chance that pokemon will be encountered in battle. For any given area, the encounter rates for each pokemon available should add up to 100%

A Poochyena! Let’s do this!

The age old question… What WILL Occam’s do?

Once at low health, it’s catching time!

You always remember your first (pokemon capture).

My description: Cowardly biting puppy.

The naming process for a pokemon is one of the hardest and best parts of the game.

Went with the name Abagail. She bites because others think her name is spelled Abigail. Also, of course I meant to spell it that way. I know words!

Yessssss! Now I can finally have one of these as a pet, at least virtually.

My description: Too cute raccoon dog.

I’m proud of that name. Zippy!

Something of note here is Zippy’s ability, Pickup. Every pokemon has an ability of some sort, and abilities can have an effect only while in battle, or only outside of battle. There are even abilities with different effects in and out of battle.

Pickup is an ability that has an effect only outside of battle. After every battle, Zippy has the chance to obtain an item like a potion, antidote, poke balls, and even other rarer items. As Zippy levels up, the items she can find will get increasingly rarer and more valuable. It’s a very useful ability, and over the course of a game it can save tons of money by decreasing the need to spend money at Poke Marts.

Wuuuuuuuuurmple!!!!!!

Not hard to catch at all. Luckily, Occam’s didn’t try to eat him.

My description: Freakishly large super caterpillar.

I have a personal tradition where I name bug-like pokemon after famous people/deities from Greco-Roman history/mythology. Don’t ask.

It’s also fun to consider what Pericles would actually do in this situation.

I’m going to get two of these in the hopes that they will evolve into two different types of pokemon. Wurmple are rare in that they have a branched evolutionary path, depending on stuff that will be explained when they evolve.

Meet Hestia who “is a Greek virgin goddess of the hearth, architecture, and the right ordering of domesticity, the family and the state” (from Wikipedia) and a great namesake for a worm.

My FIST up your (Poke) BALLS!

It’s time to hit Route 103 just north of Oldale.

Zippy’s very first attack was a critical hit. I’ll take that as a good omen.

This Wingull is still not as bad as those seagulls I see sometimes at grocery store parking lots.

Even when a low health, no catch is guaranteed.

The pesky Wingull finally succumbed to Quendra’s iron will.

My description: Fairly realistic seagull.

Wendy is a nice, punny name.

I have a full team now! Having two Wurmple is my party at once is redundant, so I’ll train them one at a time.

Now that I have some pokemon, let’s cover types. There are 17 different types of Pokemon in this game and each pokemon have just one type or can be two different types. Each type has a certain relationship to each other, and with 17 different types it can be a complex web to determine how each and every type relates to each other. Here’s a handy link that covers all of them.

Zippy’s first level up. They grow up so fast…

Abagail’s first level up. I switched her out for Occams’ during battle. All pokemon who participate in battle and don’t faint will gain experience. That’s why Abagail was able to level up while Occam’s was out there.

Oldale Town’s resident pseudo-scientist is doing well to maintain his title.

Get ready for some hot route 102 action!

Note the scarcity of Ralts and Seedot on this route. There’s only a 1/25 or 1/100 chance of seeing either of them, respectively!

On only the second encounter while on this route and I run into this guy! Never doubt the lucky powers of Quendra!

The sixth pokemon caught today!

My description: Walking nut face.

An apt name considering the circumstances.

The maximum number of pokemon that can be carried at one time is six. With a full party, any subsequent pokemon caught will be automatically transferred to the PC system which can be accessed at any Pokemon Center. This is a case where sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Wendy’s first level up!

My first pokemon fainting in the game off a critical hit. I’m sorry, Zippy.

It’s not every day you can say the phrase “Pericles grew to LV. 3!”

Every once in a while, a wild pokemon can be holding a berry. Berries are items with various beneficial effects on pokemon like restoring HP or curing a status ailment. We’ll be gathering and growing berries of our own soon enough.

Ooooowwwwwoooooooooooo!

This move increases Abagail’s attack.

I love this little critter!

Lucky catch number seven for the day!

My description: Sentient legged lilypad head.

This name will become more apt once she evolves.

Back at the Pokemon Center, I’ll change my party members.

Hestia was put in the PC and Amiga joins us.

While we’re here, let get the item Zippy’s holding due to its ability Pickup.

A free potion! Thanks, Zippy! Much better than having to talk to that Poke Mart employee.

The move Astonish has the effect of flinching, which causes the flinched pokemon to lose it’s turn.

Pericles learned Poison Sting! Sounds a bit ominous…

For Zippy, cuteness is one of her best weapons.

All the luck I had to find a Seedot so quickly was balanced out by how long it took to find this little guy. It took almost an hour! I mean, I ate lunch in that time, but still!

Poison Sting has a slight chance poisoning the target, which happened here.

Synchronize is a nasty ability. When a Pokemon with Synchronize is affected with a status ailment in battle, it can reflect that status ailment right back to the opposing pokemon. Outside of battle, if a Pokémon with this ability is leading the party, there is a 50% chance that wild Pokémon encountered will have the same Nature as the Pokémon with Synchronize.

Our eighth capture of the day!

My description: Androgynous emotion tyke.

It’s “dance” in German.

In this game, when a pokemon is poisoned, every six or so steps the player takes the pokemon loses 1 HP. If it’s HP drops to 0, the pokemon faints, which happened to Pericles. (To the Pericles in this game, not historically.)

That’s all for today!

Next time we will explore the rest of Route 102 and have our first trainer battles!

See you later!

Last Edit: Aug 4, 2013 2:39:46 GMT -6 by occamsblazer

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Occam's Blazer Plays Pokemon Emerald: Pt. 1-10 Aug 4, 2013 2:25:47 GMT -6 eric likes this

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Post by occamsblazer on Aug 4, 2013 2:25:47 GMT -6

Part 6: Wally's World

Before we begin, here are some basics about trainer battles:

- All trainers will initiate a pokemon battle upon seeing or interacting with the player.

- The player can NOT escape from a trainer battle.

- However, the AI for most trainers is pretty limited, so almost all normal trainer battles should be fairly easy victories, barring extremely bad luck or lots of player error.

- A trainer whens a battle when all opposing pokemon have fainted.

- Upon winning a trainer battle, a player is rewarded a sum of money that depends on trainer type, the number of pokemon used, and the level of each pokemon in the trainer’s party. The more pokemon used and the higher the level of the pokemon, the more money that will be rewarded upon victory.

- Some trainers can be battled in rematches at a later point, often with higher level and/or more pokemon.

The suitably epic trainer battle theme.

It’s time for Quendra’s first trainer battle. It’s time to show the world the power of the Q-U.

This kid looks pretty easy to beat.

?!?!?!?!?!

Yes, he means official. Pokemon is serious business, like how Quendra is a serious name.

It’s predetermined that you will lose, Calvin!

Occam’s is following the will of THE LORD.

Let’s hope his Poochyena won’t suffer eternal damnation.

Occam’s now has invaluable experience in quashing rebellious doctrine.

Ember is powered by God’s wrath.

Occam’s must be Catholic considereing how quickly he defeated Calvin.

Indeed, your theological argument was not very convincing.

Pay up, Protestant!

It is my unyielding faith that is strong.

With Occam’s learning the move Ember, it’s a good time to talk about Same Type Attack Bonus, or STAB. A poekmon will receive a 50% boost in power when it uses an attack that is the same as one of the types of the pokemon using the attack. For example, Occam’s is a fire type and Ember is a fire type move. Normally, the move Ember has 40 power, but when Occam’s (or any other fire type) used the move Ember, the move effectively has 60 power, as 40 * 1.5 = 60.

Buzz off, bug dude!

Why don’t you use that net to catch yourself some friends?

Wurmple, wurmple, wurmple, wurmple, wurmple, wurmple, wurmple, wurmple. (He only used two Wurmple, but “Wurmple “ is a fun word to say.)

But only using Wurmple is not a rule.

A little known fact is that Quendra is actually 8’ 9’’. Seriously kid, the grass is not that tall!

Thanks kid, now I have smallpox!

But some are more beginner than others.

Allen is such a boring name. At least Allyn is more interesting/annoying/make-fun-of-able.

Zippy is cuter and will win by default!

I rest my furry, huggable case.

A new pokemon!

It’s a bird eat dog world, judging from his mouth.

But Abagail will have none of that!

See, if his name was Allyn, he would have won out of sheer annoyance.

Not with such a boring name, normal-name-spelling-guy!

I’m telling you, changing your name to Allyn is the key to your success!

Here are some berries! I’ll gather them and plant some more.

I’ll be silent as we watch the simulated beauty of the oversimplified mother nature featured in this game.

....*wakes up*.... Oh, uh, yeah! So...wonderful and interesting! ~~I couldn’t think of anything interesting to say while gathering and planting berries.~~ Gathering and planting berries is so beautiful it can't be described in words!

Nope!

If by “career” you mean "failure," then yes, I will help you do that!

Anyone with the name Tiana is bound to be unpleasant. This is fact.

Even her Zigzagoon looks rude and stuck-up.

Occam’s uses Ember and gladly defeats that Zigzagoon in one hit.

Shroomish look anything but pleasant.

I could use your help to further my academic career.

“Winning your way up” sounds like a euphemism…

On routes there are sometimes free items available, which represented by a poke ball on the ground.

Put the Petalburg to the metal......burg.

The simply wonderful Petalburg City music

Indeed Big McLargehuge, indeed.

Creeper...

Still creepy, dude. Have you tried disc golf?

Fine, I’m too scared to say no.

I hope “let’s see it” refers only to my "trainer card."

Pure poetry, I know.

I spent dozens of seconds creating it!

Well that, and my inscrutable fashion sense!

Still a creeper, but at least he’s nice.

(That whole scene is a sort of introduction to the Easy Chat system which is used a few features of the game.)

This is what I get for talking to townies.

I’m sure it is...

Aren’t you a little young for navel-gazing?

Pure hotness. And wisdom. Pure hot wisdom.

I had so many close shaves with death I became bald!

*is bored*

*Quendra starts thinking to herself* Does Brendan like me? Or does he like me, like me?

*begins counting the threads on the rug*

Lady, you could have traveled to Sinnoh and back in the time spent for you to talk about your desire to travel!

Hello, roadblock!

Ignore you?

Dude, this guy's my DAD.

I have eyes, ~~dingle~~ oran berry!

Whoa there, Machiavelli.

The iconic Pokemon Gym theme, which has existed in one for or another in every main-series pokemon game.

My mom and I have both helped contribute to his receding hairline.

Are you finished neglecting me for your job?

I’m surprised you and MOM are still married.

Because they don’t leave me, unlike someone!

Except for the questionable parenting and receding hairline part.

I’m looking forward to embarrassing you in battle!

Green haired kids are nothing but trouble…

But sadly not WALL-E.

Verdanturf is not the Pokemon equivalent to Astroturf.

Don’t you have any parents or friends?

Well, I use my innate beauty and charming personality!

And almost care.

Huh?

This better not be some arranged marriage set up. I’m an independent woman, DAD! I don’t need a man!

That must be one powerfully cute and fluffy Zigzagoon for my him to be the gym leader.

Well, just a Poke Ball, to be exact.

How about giving me some love and support, DAD?

Your green hair is oddly attractive…

I’ll do it.

They also hide in the dark under your bed. Waiting….

It’s really not that difficult…

This guy got a Ralts on his first try! That bastard!

Well, my DAD's Zigzagoon will do much of the work...

Lucky kid. It’s almost like this is scripted. (It is.)

It is a pretty great feeling.

Uhh, sure. You’re welcome.

I have a Ralts too, you know!

Really, Wally, I didn’t do anything. At all.

Along with GameFreak.

I’ll even marry it!

Bye Wally! I like your hair...

Leave all your other friends, responsibilities and joys in life behind.

Rustboro? Do they want to make the place sound old and depressing?

I wonder how much she hates The Police?

So, to be clear, you're perfectly fine for me to leave you and MOM for weeks as I travel?

So...much...nagging...

And I will beat those last hairs off your head!

And after I grow more distant from your mother.

I know, I know DAD!

I won’t love you until you’re powerful!

You’re a weak and useless daughter!

Why are you mad at me?

I could have helped him get a pokemon myself, but I love being selfish!

The one and only.

But I couldn’t be bothered.

Apparently babies need to be clothed and fed every day in order to be healthy!

Being a parent is hard, so we just gave up!

Despite being sick all his life, he should be perfectly fine traveling by himself!

Why are you such terrible parents?

All this Ralts-ing about has encouraged be to bring Tanzen into my party.

(Annoyed grunt.)

His portable telegram machine is pretty slow.

Trainers can wash their clothes....? There’s no rule against that.

I’m Quendra, you non-magnificent son of a bitch!

So I can eat them and absorb their talent…

You best be sorry Mr. Sunglasses.

After talking to half the people in the known Pokemon universe, it’s Route 104 time.

I’ll end the part here.

Next time I’ll talk to less than almost everyone and actually do something!

Later, folks!

Last Edit: Aug 6, 2013 20:55:10 GMT -6 by occamsblazer

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Occam's Blazer Plays Pokemon Emerald: Pt. 1-10 Aug 6, 2013 20:16:59 GMT -6

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Post by occamsblazer on Aug 6, 2013 20:16:59 GMT -6

Part 7: The Robbin' in the Woods

Tanzen die erste Stufe nach oben! (According to Google translate.)

Do this unless you feel the almighty Random Number Generator is on your side.

Paralysis and freezing can also help catch Pokemon as well.

But that’s right, if TRAINERS lock eyes, it’s a ~~marriage proposal~~ challenge to battle. If that were true, I’d be having sooooo many weddings.

If you don’t want to battle, ~~have your family give a cheap dowry~~ stay out of their sight.

Would you be saying that if I was a ghost?

It’s time for Kill Billy Vol. 1.

They reason they’re so gritty is because he's actually David Carradine.

He’s so carefree for being chased by a vengeful assassin.

While traipsing about Route 104 we run into this bundle of cuteness.

Marill has the distinction of being the first “older” pokemon encountered in this game. Marill is “older” in the sense that it was introduced in the previous Generation II Pokemon games Gold, Silver and Crystal.

I don’t know how much I’ll be using this mon, but I might give her a chance. I could use a water type.

I gave it a good name just in case.

Confusion is a psychic type attack with a small chance of causing confusion.

Confusion is a status ailment that lasts for 1-4 turns and causes the afflicted pokemon to attack itself 50% of the time. It is the worst.

Absorb is a grass type attack in which the half the damage dealt heals the attacking pokemon. A very useful move for our Amiga.

I found this by accident. Occasionally, in some areas there are hidden items. A heart scale is something that can be given to the Move Tutor, who we’ll see later.

Sand... and whale bones. Nothing else!

Show, don’t tell, fisher guy.

Magikarp are many things. Tough is not one of them.

Splash is a move that when executed, does nothing. At all. This is the only move his Magikarp know.

Zippy enjoyed the getting essentially free experience.

Cut them some slack, dude. They have the “karp” part of Magikarp down pretty well.

If you have the audacity to leave your house unlocked and empty, I will look inside and judge you for your expensive vases!

She’s Mr. Briney’s publicist. It’s not a glamorous job, but it pays the Poke-bills.

He once punched a maelstrom in the face!

Have you met Youngster Calvin? You two would get along.

Only the powers of Fate could force someone to wear such a hat and dress.

This LADY uses a Full Restore, one of the most useful and expensive healing items in the whole game. On a LV. 7 Zigzagoon.

Supersonic has a 50% of confusing the target.

Fate can be a cruel mistress.

That is a ton of money. Thanks Wealthy O’Nicedress!

Well aren’t you just a femme fatalist?

More berries! I’ll get some jars to make preserves.

His mouth is like half the size of his body!

Tanzen puts his newly-learned Confusion to the test to get this Taillow.

Skarmory are great. We’ll be seeing those eventually.

A solid name for a good bird.

With Pickup, Zippy found a nugget! It’s an item with no purpose other than to be sold for a lot of money! Zippy’s already paying huge dividends.

Boo ledges! For some reason, I cannot possibly climb up these things which look no more than 3 ft. high.

The ambient and slightly unnerving Petalburg Woods music.

The Petalburg woods await….

Eww… bug catchers…

You can’t catch a fulfilling life with a net, Lyle.

Equation 1: sin(Wurmple)*[(Wurmple/Wurmple)^Wurmple] + Wurmple ≈ 0.

Refer to Equation 1.

You of all people should not worry about poke balls with you novelty bug catching net.

In terms of levels, Hestia is now on par with Pericles!

If you’re looking to get high, Shroomish aren’t Shrooms, man.

Meaning: I love to get high with them!

The nefariously catchy Team Aqua encounter theme.

Uh oh! Busted drug deal…

This briefcase full of money is heavy!

He’s “experimented” on Shroomish many times for his “research.”

This might be code for something…

Definitely some sort of code.

I’m much too fashionable to be your fall-woman, druggie!

But only in the most literal sense.

You mean young adult, you cad!

The Battle of the Bandannas.

The ominous Team Aqua Grunt battle theme assures everyone that being a Pokemon villain is serious business.

The Team Aqua symbol is used to transition into battle.

Blue bandannas are sooooo Pokemon Sapphire.

Is this the best you could do, Grunty?

Occam’s is the toughest!

Grunt battle victory music.

Look, I don’t want the Shroomish or the money, man.

You could stand to have a few more thematic mons. Poochyena aren’t even water type!

I’m sure all your respective mothers are proud.

I’ve always wanted to experience surviving a busted drug deal!

Yeah, yeah! I’m great and drug free, ya nerd!

This isn’t a bong, right?

Yeah, you should go check on your weed stash.

He really wants his munchies.

They are doing okay other than the completely-controlled-and-imprisoned-under-my-will thing.

Can I sign up to be a conscientious objector to pokemon battling?

Well speak of the druggy fungus she-devil!

Shroomish are used to being the ones causing Confusion.

My very own fungus!

I’ve always found asexual reproduction via spores fascinating, which explains a lot.

Can you ever really see the ground, man?

Both my parents were divining rods!

Just a few steps away from the guy, I found something. How prescient…

This admonishing lady was found in an exit on the west side of Petalburg Woods. This is the area avobe that ledge I was complaining about earlier.

But do not throw them at wild animals. Trust me, I’ve tried.

Yay! A lazy pokemon!

Slakoth has the ability Truant, which causes it “loafs around” and is unable to do anything every other turn. This ability severely hinders an otherwise good pokemon.

It turns out it’s pretty easy to catch something that only half-heartedly fighting.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A somewhat obvious name, but still good.

I would invest so much money in creating bug catcher repellent.

Let’s get this over with…

Oooh. Something different! At least this one is trying not to be so awful.

Even with a new mon, he’s still a bug catcher…

I’m pretty sure that net isn’t helping you in the friend department either.

Just…stop saying words.

This CUT is something we’ll get to see soon!

Finally out of the woods!

This is a good place to end. Next time we’ll explore the rest of Route 104 and finally get to Rustboro!

Later folks!

Last Edit: Aug 6, 2013 20:53:15 GMT -6 by occamsblazer

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Occam's Blazer Plays Pokemon Emerald: Pt. 1-10 Aug 14, 2013 16:50:08 GMT -6

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Post by occamsblazer on Aug 14, 2013 16:50:08 GMT -6

Part 8: Rustboro Trust-Buster

Welcome back, mortals! Quendra’s tasteful bandanna says hello!

The joyfully adventurous Route 104 theme.

I…am not from the South!

Is spit-seed a delicacy where you’re from?

But will it be able to win the seed spitting contests at the county fair?

Thanks, Spitter McGee!

Otherwise, you’d just lose too much saliva.

Indeed, it’s very hard to un-spit.

A FLOWER SHOP! This I’ll stop by for a quick visit!

Good for you, Poison Ivy.

Hotter than you can imagine!

I’ll say yes since she’s so nice.

Are you guys paid to say the word “loamy?”

Sure thing, Crazy Plant Lady!

Yes, planting and flowers…..

*is not listening*

I guess Brendan isn’t so bad. He probably didn’t mean to sound so sexist…

I could do much, much worse…

Not that I’m attracted to him anyway. That would be gross! Speaking of gross, that kid needs to seriously update his wardrobe.

Uhh….. yeah. Yay BERRIES!

That also applies to people! But sadly my dad doesn't follow this belief.

I’ll like tending flowers as much as my father likes tending to me!

Great, now this WAILMER PAIL is symbolic of the vast distance between me and my dad!

I’m a pokemon trainer, not a pokemon gardener!

Come on, LADY!

That is…not like people.

Rudimentary agriculture is pretty cool!

There are other hobbies, LADY!

Well, at a FLOWER SHOP, maybe not.

Thanks! But I still think you should branch out a little. Have you tried knitting?

Or I could ignore it to spite everyone here!

We’ll get to this gameplay aspect eventually.

I’m sure you do…

Oh yeah, my traumatic visit to that FLOWER SHOP almost made me forget that pokemon battles exist!

Stun Spore is a grass type status move with a 75% chance of causing paralysis, and allows Sporina to live up to her name.

Quick attack is a normal type attack that is a higher-priority move.

Priority is another important concept in pokemon battling explained here.

Let’s do this then, Gatsby!

No one named Winston cannot not be wealthy! (That it probably the third to fourth most confusing sentence I've ever written.)

You know that green light at the end of the dock? That was my shining personality!

Money also can’t buy class, you crass cad.

Uhhhhhhhhh……

Yes, but only that and nothing else.

And hopefully she likes to lose!

Or have worn that skirt.

Turn out what? At least have the decency to finish your rant!

My first double battle! Double battles are like normal battles, except with two pokemon at a time. Most aspects of a double battle are the same as normal battling, with a few subtle differences. Certain moves can attack one or both opponents, and moves can also be used on an ally pokemon.

I forgot to save the first few images of this battle because little twin girls are frightening.

Gina and Mia both haunt my dreams!

Now they will seek revenge.

They’ve already begun plotting…

But you don’t need to train on creepiness. You have that down!

RUSTBORO! There you are!

I’m sure your mother’s proud!

But at least your mother does, and that’s most important!

Ivan the Terrible (Pokemon Trainer).

At least you’ve earned your title as The Terrible.

Over there is some old lady who gives a lecture on berries, but I’ve had enough berry torture for one day.

Time to make this city about 100 times more fashionable!

The tasty Rustboro City theme.

For people, it’s called aging. It can be really sad.

For her sake, I hope no one ever shows her a Ditto.

Apparently this town is run by children.

Just avoid the FLOWER SHOP.

I do too! Occam’s is the best name!

People who don’t name their pokemon are the worst!

No, YOU seem pointless, LADY!

But what???

That’s right, you have nothing to say because you are WRONG!

Peka Stojakochu is one of my favorite basketball pokemon!

SOME KIDS TALK LOUDLY!

I’m sorry, you’re confusing school with cheating.

That little girl originally did the job of the school sign, until the school realized that little kids make terrible signs.

You’re no Bulbapedia, Trainer’s School!

but….

A. had to forfeit as I forgot to pay the membership fees.

B. was handily defeated as it turned out the gym leader was Mewtwo with a team of legendary pokemon.

C. I died. However, I was brought back to life with the tears of my loving pokemon.

D. Became the gym leader after winning a thumb wrestling battle.

That’s because your fire types aren’t like my Occam’s.

Have you ever seen magma? That fiery stuff eats rocks!

You are inside a building! Take off those glasses!

Unless you’re blind, SCOTT! If so, then I’m sorry.

To ~~taste~~ talk to them!

The more battles the more tender the trainer meat!

Would you be better roasted or fried?

So it can use CUT like a sharp butcher knife…

I don’t have it because of my parole officer!

*licks lips*

The ~~tastiness~~ talent levels of the students here are unknown. The potential’s there ~~for many good meals.~~

Like those occasional dumb Zigzagoon I’ve encountered before.

A wedding ring is not one of them. Yet….

Haha! NERD!

Well, aren’t you cool?

I know Seedot are rare, but aim a little higher, kid.

Let’s read this nerd’s notebook.

Or comically huge nets if you’re a bug catcher.

Yet most trainers rarely have more than three pokemon…

And someone who is very, very pretty with impeccable tastes. Like me!

Sadly, POKEMON GYMS are not a substitute for exercising at a real gym.

Take it easy, Mr. Corporal Punishment!

Yeah, like giving it to the police!

Great, now I have criminal evidence!

This item is pretty useful, especially for abysmally slow pokemon with a low speed stat.

How are you able to legally teach?

The students would be able to learn more without being abused, mean guy!

Obvious reference time!

Aside from the song being about prostitution, I am obligated to reference it.

Pokemon Trainer’s School: Now with Corporal Punishment!

But become a gym leader by not selling your body to the night. The pokemon do that. But no, not like that! They do it through battles!

Let’s forget I said all that.

Traded pokemon gain 1.5 times experience in battle compared to other pokemon.

This gameplay mechanic exists to deter players from breezing through the game with high-leveled mons acquired from by trade.

I will, I will Rushy Question Guy!

I already know this from my dad nagging me about it.

Well, hello to you too Smugface Self-ediventstein!

I’d consider trading for a first round draft pick and cash considerations.

There are other pokemon besides Seedot you can trade for, Rustboronians!

Most places do have things in them!

I can make very broad, mostly pointless statements as well!

Like this couch!

DEVON CORPORATION, eh? Sounds a bit nefarious…

But at what cost to the common good?

This tunnel is something that will be encountered later…

Unless…. (No, we’ll see it.)

More like DEVIL CORPORATION, am I right?

Do you make concessions to labor unions? I bet not!

Do your other products include deforestation and closed local businesses?

Because you get rich of the backs of countless others!

Nothing is welcoming about this capitalist greed pit!

Enhance our lives so we become complacent with your monopolizing business practices that screw over the consumer!

Not even rocks are safe from the avarice-laden tendrils of the DEVIL CORPORATION!

And destroying the lives of miners!

Exploiting everyone along the way!

And promote the pokemon-industrial complex.

Prototypes and products tested on innocent people and pokemon, probably!

The control DEVON CORPORATION has over the economy is staggering….

There's a serious need for some trust-busting here.

So I’m supporting the DEVIL CORPORATION every time I buy a poke ball! Damn…

Authorized to be a robber baron!

A new beautiful face. Not that I’m vain, but there’s no need to hide the truth!

I know things no school can teach, man.

Seriously, very few schools are willing to teach classes about pokemon!

Huh? What?

I can’t read minds, LADY!

I see that. It looks like you’ve been eating some of your husband’s hair.

SALT is better!

I’ve talked to Brendan, so yes.

Haven’t you had that kid for a few years? Shouldn’t you know the basics by now?

I suggest getting rid of a few of those dolls.

Maybe she would laugh more if you were a better parent!

I did just kind of break into their house, so I’ll help them out I guess.

I like pirates!

It better work. That line is comedy gold!

Maybe she’s just one terrible child with no sense of humor!

It’s looking at me. Watching….

The whole point of that scene is that if a phrase is able to make WANDA laugh, the player will be given extra wallpapers to use in the PC. So, yeah, that was pointless.

NO FASTBALLS ALLOWED

Just give me the HM, please!

You’re obviously kind of a creep!

Just…no. You’re digging yourself deeper in a creep-hole.

I hope by “HIDDEN MACHINE” you mean the HM 01 CUT and nothing else!

Even in context that is… Eww.

Thank you, strange sir. Let’s never meet again!

HM moves are very important an serve a variety of purposes in the game. One function HM moves serve is to prevent certain parts of the game from being accessed to early. Another is that HM moves can serve as sort of little logic puzzles in certain areas. Cut is one of the six HM moves in this game, and the others will be received as the game progresses.

Cut not being usable until acquiring the STONE BADGE is another means of preventing the player from advancing through the game too quickly.

However, in the case of CUT, there’s little reason to teach the move to more than one or two pokemon.

Oh yeah, well my DAD’s a GYM LEADER! He’s so good at being one he neglects his family for it!

Mr. Briney has a good PR team.

He once punched a Zubat in the face!

The conditions here are horrible! The yellow on the floor isn’t paint.

Why is there so much butter on this Skitty?

He works 80 hours a week!

It’s a health insurance policy!

Thanks kid!

No!!! You should aim to break the cycles of poverty and oppression!

Why didn’t I invest stock in them?

Well I’m glad he can afford that luxury!

The ways of the wealthy are weird.

I hope it was reported to the police.

To run away from that creepy guy!

Well, you just have to look…down there. Unless they’re a genderless pokemon species, then there no need to worry!

Time to end this part!

Next time I will fight the Roxanne, the GYM LEADER in this town and do other fashionable things!

Later poke-people!

Last Edit: Aug 14, 2013 17:59:02 GMT -6 by occamsblazer

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Occam's Blazer Plays Pokemon Emerald: Pt. 1-10 Dec 24, 2013 17:46:48 GMT -6

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Post by occamsblazer on Dec 24, 2013 17:46:48 GMT -6

Part 9: Evolutionary War

NOTE: I will not battle Roxanne in this part because I am a LIAR.

Let’s get down to business with some pokémon evolution.

Pericles, one of my wurmple, evolves at level 7. This is tied with other caterpillar-like pokemon Caterpie and Weedle for the lowest level at which any pokemon evolve.

Pericles’ stats are almost not completely terrible anymore!

Wurmple have a unique branched evolutionary path and can evolve into either a Cascoon or a Silcoon, through means that are described here.

Cascoon time, baby!

No one wants a soft Pericles.

It’s time for my other Wurmple, Hestia, to evolve!

With some luck, Hestia will evolve into a Silcoon.

Curse you, internal game data structures!

The laws of alliteration make Hestia with Harden mandatory.

Headbutt is a great move for Zippy, with 70 power and 100 accuracy along with a 10% chance of causing the opponent to flinch. Also with STAB, Headbutt is effectively has 105 power making Zippy a cute bruiser.

Now I must find another Wurmple and hope it’s internal data is in my favor.

Tanzen has no time for your insect shenanigans!

Worm pokemon, more than most others, need to have a classy Shakespearean name.

The (ultimately insignificant) reckoning awaits…

Whenever I see the stats of a Wurmple, I feel better about my own shortcomings.

The drama! The manufactured drama!

USA USA USA!

*insert dirty joke here*

Heh. “Insert.”

Now it’s time for one of the most exciting aspects of the game! Teaching HMs to a pokemon! (Just trust me on this…)

The process is annoying and lengthy for whatever reason.

Sadly, the player must provide their own Linux kernel, hardware and power supply.

I can tell because I can read!

Nope! I only do this for fun!

Zippy would be the best candidate for learning this HM.

She needs something to defend herself while going through the mean streets of Rustboro.

Of course not! This is only a practice run.

ALL OF THEM.

It’s never made clear in the game what exactly is poofing or what causes it.

Tackle just musses Zippy’s fur too much.

This whole big and nice text box is wasted on one little “And…” So inefficient.

Like a cute katana!

Just north of Rustboro is Route 115. Due to an abundance of ledges, this route can only be traversed far by going south.

There’s much more guano!

“Suspense” is a funny way of saying “Zubat.”

Despite the limitations in travel, this route still has some things to offer, like a Super Potion!

These 2 ft ledges are insurmountable!

I also ship those two trainers facing each other in the upper-right corner.

This route will be much more eventful and battle-riffic.

Take note of the new mons: Abra, Nincada, Whismur and Skitty. Skitty only have a 2% encounter rate, but Quendra laughs in the face of probability.

I’ve always wanted a ninja-bug!

And the hilarious bug-on-bug…

What makes a tree mighty?

“What Makes a Tree Mighty?” is a running candidate for the title of my next solo album. I never said it would be a good album.

Ignatius means business.

Another hidden item!

Repels reduce the rate of encountering wild pokemon for 100 steps.

I’m this close to campaigning for a War on Bug Catchers.

He must be from Spain, or I must be racist for assuming that. THOSE ARE THE ONLY TWO POSSIBILITIES!

And soon I shall have you...DEAD!

Nah, not really.

Strong is a relative term…..

Encountering a wild Abra is not like battling other pokemon…

You need to try to catch them as soon as possible, or

They will do this…

And ruin your life.

There are a few ways to prevent wild Abra (and other fleeing pokemon) from escaping. Two common examples that are found in this game include a pokemon with the ability Arena Trap or Shadow Tag. Sadly, a pokemon with either of those abilities are not available yet.

There’s only a 2% chance of seeing one of these! The luck of the Quendirish!

Don’t try poisoning your cats at home in order to make them easier to catch.

Here, Skitty, Skitty, Skitty!

I will not be using this Skitty in many battles. But I will virtually pet it a lot!

Here, Olivia! *scratches Olivia’s ears*

Shhhhhh!!!!!! Shhhhhh!!!!!!

Whismur are not a fan of sudden noise!

An ear-breathing noise-rabbit! Not weird at all!

This name is not an endorsement of the musical genre.

I decided to catch this Abra on a whim, which is why I don’t have a screenshot of encountering him. Using a great ball, there is about a 39.2% of catching an Abra at full health! Quendra should take up gambling!

What to name this little guy…

Or use Teleport once every turn while in battle…

This Abra also has the distinction of being the first Generation I pokemon encountered in this game.

This mon’s a sort of mystic fox-dude, so the name fits.

Oh, quiet you!

Just go home, youngin’.

Look at this Machop, acting all tough and ‘choppy.

Wendy shall douse your raging fists with the waters of eternity!

If the trainer gets a scrape in a pokemon battle, something’s wrong….

Oh, yes. You are so tough. I am very impressed with your ability to get injured and heal slowly.

What can you possibly study as a probable seven-year-old?

I’ll admit, your hair is kind of cool. As is your handbag thing.

Nothing is sweeter than crushing the dreams of little kids!

It’s alright! You still have much more to live for! Like 80 more years!

It’s a little soon for all this elegance talk. Enjoy your youth, tyke!

That sounds…gross…?

Shouldn't you be going to school? Go talk to Karen over there, she’ll set you straight.

That Youngster looks to only be around 0.2 Hikers by volume.

This is one of the first unforced double battle I’ve encountered. It would have been possible for me to have only battled each of these trainers one at a time, but that would be less fun and take more time.

Our first Geodude! There will be plenty more of those for sure.

I like bragging how MY Lotad and Shroomish are better than theirs.

Even when outnumbered, Quendra shines brightly.

Why are you so unfit? Standing still shouldn’t tire you out!

Haha, LOSER!

You talk a lot about hiking, almost like your hiding something…

Gluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.

Another hiker with another Geodude.

Leech Seed is a move which drains 1/8 of an opponent’s HP and heals for the same amount. Leech seed will still have an effect even if the original user faints or is switched out of battle. It’s a great move.

Rawr yourself!

I hope that’s not a metaphor!

The use of Sleep Talk in the house is strictly forbidden!

Rusturf is NOT the kind of Astroturf seen in defunct stadiums.

Nooooooo! The tunnel of my dreams!

X items temporarily boost a pokemon’s stats while in battle.

Spooooooooooky mist.

All Whismur, all the time forever!

Whismur, whismur, whismur, whismur, whismur, whismur, whismur, whismur, whismur, whismur, whismur, whismur, whismur, whismur, whismur, whismur, whismur.

I’m finding items like a metal detector, but better than a metal detector because I am a person!

Nothing is as rugged as I, a 12 year old girl!

Double Team is a move which raises evasion. When the evasion of a pokemon increases, the accuracy of moves used against them decreases. (There are a few exceptions of moves that are NOT affected by evasion at all.) If used properly, Double Team can cause almost any move used by the opponent to miss, leading to much frustration and rage.

One day soon I will reach this promised land. Soon…

In the next part I will face the Rustboro Gym Leader Roxanne. I mean it this time!

Part 10: Every Little Thing She Wears Is Tragic

Now I shall face the Roxanne, the Rustboro Gym Leader. Each gym specializes in a certain type, with Roxanne having Rock type pokemon as her name punfully suggests. Defensively rock types are weak against Grass, Water, Fighting, Steel, Ground and resist Normal, Rock, Bug, Flying and Fire. In terms of offense, Rock type attacks hit Fire, Flying, Bug and Ice types super effectively, while being resisted by Steel, Ground, and Fighting types.

In conclusion, Rock types:
Offensively = GOOD
Defensively = BAD

Here is the team for challenging the first gym:

Sporina and Amiga should do the most work in this gym, with Tanzen providing some support. Wendy could come in handy, but her being flying type makes her risky. Occam’s will probably not appear much while in this gym and Zippy is here in the off chance she’ll get an item via Pickup.

Just let me get to Roxanne, person-not-named-after-a-Police-song!

Am I required to talk like THIS? I guess that’s kind of COOL!

Those who can’t do, stand around a pokémon gym giving advice.

On a scale of 1 to Don King, how crooked are you?

Unless those child labor laws pass!

I can tell by the ALL CAPS.

And live vicariously through your experiences while taking credit for your success and blaming you for your failures!

GAME FREAK, the makers of POKéMON, are users of pun-type language.

Dude, I got this. I’ve read Bulbapedia!

I will gladly accept your potentially creepy offer!

I’ll go for it like my dad goes for months without seeing me!

Just stop saying words, kiddo.

All pokemon gyms have Gym trainers who use Pokémon of the same types as the gym leader and serve as warm-up battles.

Geodude for days!

Easy wins for fortnights!

OF SKILL

OF ROCK

I could have avoided facing all the trainers in this gym by taking the proper path through this maze, but Quendra is not a Quoward!

Zippy found an item via Pickup. I’m proud of my Pickup prescience!

Well, I beat you at fashion already, so there!

More specifically in a middle of a maze, but hikers aren’t ones for details. All they do is strategically walk up or down!

D-D-D-D-D-Double battle!

It’s half-past Sporina in Tanzen Time!

G-G-G-G-G-Geodude genocide!

One feisty costumer who shops at a retailer of delivering pain!

Several of anything times zero is still zero, fool!

I’d say she make a gneiss choice myself.

Here she is, the one and only ~~Every Breath You Take~~ Roxanne!

I am REQUIRED by POKéMON LEAGUE REGULATIONS to talk LIKE THIS.

Also the teacher’s union is bad at negotiating for higher pay, so I needed a second job.

I BATTLE GLITCHFULLY WITH SIX MISSINGNO!

The Gym Battle theme in Pokémon Emerald is fantastic. I highly suggest you listen to this song while reading this next part, going on a run, reading a book, taking a test, getting married, having a child, and during your funeral.

Gym battle time!

Roxanne will battle with three Pokémon.

I’m starting with Occam’s first as a symbolic gesture.

Defense Curl boosts defense by one stage, or 25% , and that boost won’t be very useful.

Take us home, Amiga!

Using one Absorb = One dead Geodude.

Wendy dispatched another Geodude using Water Gun.

A Nosepass awaits…

This is a Nosepass, which is just your average Easter Island moai with legs and compass-like magnetic properties! For kids!

Block prevents the opponent from escaping battle or switching Pokémon, meaning Sporina is in for the long haul.

GYM LEADERS will also you’re their pokémon, because they are paid by the turn.

Rock Tomb is a move with 50 Power and 90 Accuracy that will reduce the opponents speed by one stage (or 25%.)

More wanton free-wheelin’ healin’.

Using Leech Seed to wreak regenerative havoc.

Pokemon can also hold berries that can be used to heal HP and status conditions or boost a certain stat.

How a sentient rock face eats a berry, however, is a mystery.